Elegance & Beauty

This post is specially dedicated to my dearest darling best friend, Nur Azizah darling. :)

I know you might need these words that I am about to say here so as to give you some motivation for you to go on with life. And so, I’m going to make this entry a special one, specially just for you k.

You know my dear, the moment I read your message this morning, I couldn’t help it but to shed some tears. What you’re going through right now is really heart breaking and I wonder why is life really so cruel towards you. Time after time you’re being put to go through a lot of challenges in life. And yet, you never once succumb to such challenges. You go through and face them with much patience and eventually managed to pull through. And just when you’ve managed to pull through those difficulties, you’re being put to face a new set of obstacles. This is life for you; always full of challenges. Darling, whatever you’re going through in life, always do remember that God is fair. HE won’t torture us and let us handle things that we can’t. You see, if He decides to test you with such huge challenges, it means to show that you are really one strong person, and yes, it is true that you are indeed one strong soul. And like I always said my dear, you must always keep in mind that no matter what happens in life, never ever ever turn your back towards HIM and do always seek help from HIM. InsyaAllah He’ll help you out. Also, always remember that you’re never alone to go through all these k, you still have got great people in your life who love and care for you, and I am always here if you ever need me ok?

Darling, I know that it’s not easy for you and that I am in no position to say all these when I don’t even know how it really feels like to be in your shoes. I do know that it’s always easier said than done dear. But, you know, each time when you confide in me about your problems and all, I can feel the pain that you feel. I really do. This is because you are one of those few people in my life that I really treasure the most and it’ll be really heartless of me not to feel the pain that you feel. That’s the reason why I keep telling you that sometimes I really wish that I could do something to help you, to ease your burden. But I’m always at my wits end and I don’t know of ways to help you; the least that I can do is to just pray for you, hoping that He’ll lighten your burden and guide you with paths that you could follow. I just hope that whatever that you’re going to face in life, you won’t lose hope and faith in yourself and HIM. Don’t let that happen k dear? There’s always a blessing in disguise in all the bad things that happened in life. There is, trust me. You just need time to discover it and lots of patience to go through all that obstacles.

You know, since knowing you, I’ve learnt a lot of useful lessons about life. It has made me realize that life is always never smooth sailing and that we must all the time appreciate every little2 things that we have in life. You should be feeling lucky that He has chosen you to go through all these-not- easy- challenges in life as your experiences in life is what that makes you different from others. In a way or another, it does make you somewhat special from the rest. It is from all these challenges that will make you a better person in times to come and be someone more matured and wiser than you used to be. And most importantly, it will also make you to be well-prepared to be a good someone in the future. :) you know what? You are definitely one of those few people in my life whom I take as an inspiration for me whenever I face a downfall in life. :) don’t get discourage easily when things in life are bad ok darling. There are many people in your life you can count on, including me, your one and only nyonya glamour. =) well I hope this entry will somehow give you some motivation to go through whatever you’re facing right now. If you ever need me, I’m just a phone call away k, bear that in mind tau. =))

Ok now let me squeeze in a little update about myself. Heh =P
English Olevel oral had just passed. And how was it? Well all I can say is that I think I did better as compared to my first attempt, back then in 2005. I don’t want to talk much about it, I just hope that I am able to achieve my target grade for this examinations. To be able to achieve that, what do I need? Effort, effort and more effort. Effort – the only one word that I must bear in mind all the time. NO effort = NO good grades. A LOT effort= VERY GOOD grades.

Oh ya, my education in RP has just ended. Finally. And right now I am torn between pursuing another diploma in early childhood and pursuing my studies in NIE. I don’t know which of these 2 paths I should pursue. Which one of these will give me a better future?? Hmmmmm… I think I shall decide once my English Olevel result is out next year.
Alright, I’ve got nothing more to blog about now. i’m going to sleep now and I am sooooo looking forward for tomorrow!!
Nites everyone.

11:24 PM

Hi all,

As you can see, I haven’t been blogging much lately. I’m just plain lazy to update my blog now and the mood for blogging has long disappear to some far far away land. Well I apologise for the lack of updates. I don’t even know if my blog has got any avid readers; but every time when I take a look at my blog, I noticed that there’s always an increase of number at the visitor counter. I guess maybe I do have some silent avid readers who will visit my blog without fail and look out for any updates. Or maybe I do have any stalkers stalking on my blog?? Haha no no, that’s freaky. Stalkers, all of you go away, shooooooo! Ok maybe that’s just my wishful thinking, who would want to stalk me right? Heh.

Ok so what have I been up to right now? School has been great for me, considering that I only have got 3 days of classes a week and that all my classes now start at 10am (which is much much later than the usual 830am time) what more can I ask for? The new school principal now is quite strict with the discipline as compared to the previous principal, who was quite lax in discipline matters. This means that there’ll be no more, really really NO MORE skipping of classes. I think this will not affect me much cause with only 3 days a week of classes, why would I want to skip class right? I pity those students who have to come to school 5 days every week and have to endure the grueling hours each day in school. Well I’ve been there and done that ; not really done that cause I think I’ll still have to go through that phase again once I step my foot into the working life. Can’t avoid that – this is life.

Apart from school, I am finally retaking my English O levels after 4 years of waiting. Not that my application for retaking the O level exams was rejected or anything like that, I have to defer my English O levels cause I was just waiting for the right time to retake the exams. With my hectic polytechnic schedule, I don’t think I would be able to have an intensive revision for my English O levels. So right now is the right time for me to retake the exams as I am only left with 1 semester of school in RP and my timetable is not as tight as the previous semesters. I’m taking this examination seriously because I have ( not literally me of course, it’s my parents’ money I am using) invested quite a lot of money for it. The application fee alone is NOT cheap, mind you. And the weekly tuition classes fees I have (again, not literally me) to pay, it all sums up to a lot of money. Hence, I am really pushing myself, doing a lot of intensive revision so as to improve on my language. I really hope that I am able to clinch that B3 grade that I’ve targeted for myself. I know I can, InsyaAllah. =)

Other than all these school/studies stuffs, life has been good for me. Well to be truthful a lot of things happened since the last time I updated my blog. REALLY REALLY A LOT – consist of both good and not so good. Definitely I am not going to type it all out here. For sure, from all those things that I went through, I did learn some things. It’s more to my own self development of course. :)

I have not been seeing all my dear friends for quite some time now. Especially my darling nyonya modern. How are you doing nyonya? I hope she’s doing fine. :( :( I cant wait to meet you and lisza on one of the days. I really cannot wait! And to my darling salwa, I hope she’s doing fine too. I just hope that she’s strong to face whatever she is facing right now. If I were to be in her situation now, I really don’t know how to go through my life every single day. :(

You know what? I can’t wait for the month of JULY to come. You know, I know. =)

Ok till here then. Take care everyone. I don’t know when my next update is going to be.

Byebye!!!!

1:51 PM

I read the newspaper early in the morning and was shocked too see the news of an old schoolmate/classmate died. Im not close to her but we used to be friends back then in sec school and I quite feel the lost and pain too. but what can we do? God loves her more. Al-fatihah to the late Yasmeen.
Life is just too short and really so unexpected.

Anyway, I’m missing my 2 dearest best friends. Salwa Tahir and Azizah Aziz. Can’t wait to date them on one of the days. To my nyonya modern, faster2 finish your exams ok and then we can hurray hurray. Hehe. I miss the 2 of u lorryloads la.

5:05 PM

the year 2009 has just begin yesterday.
wah time really flies. it feels like it was just a few months back when i dated my dearest zizah on the first day of 2008.
and right now, a brand new year has started, leaving 2008 behind.
well how was my 2008?
2008 was a year full of obstacles for me.
2008 was a year with a lot of emotional breakdowns.
2008 was a year i learn a lot of things in life; it was also when i understand what life really means.2008 was a year i went through a phase of change in myself.
2008 was a year i learn to appreciate little little things in life.
2008 was a year full of memories and heartfelt moments.
in summary, 2008 was a memorable year for me and the things that happened had taught me to be a better person.

well unlike previous years, i decided not to make any new resolutions for 2009. because i've come to realize that i don't really stick to my resolutions each year. so for 2009, i'll just go with the flow and i hope i'm able to at least accomplish some of my resolutions i made for 2008.

anyway, i'm all excited for tomorrow! finally the day has come. they're coming back. i cant waaaait... =D

and wednesday, please come by fast. i cant wait to get rid of you, fyp. and soooon its time for me to really pamper myself again. and im sure someone would love to pamper me too. hehe. =)

ok thats all for now. :)

10:15 PM

i terribly miss them. :'-(

4:22 PM

i am going to miss them. in less than 10 hrs they are gg to depart from singapore. it's just too soooooooooooon for them to go. i'm seriously soo not used to be away from them. never once in my life i am separated from them with such a long distance and with quite a long period of time. my house will be dead temporary. it won't be lively without them. i dont know how to survive without them later. don't expect me to be all smiley for the entire one month. i just cant.
ok now i feel like cryingggggggggg.

arghhhhh!! and with this @#$%^& fyp that's making me crazy, im feeling extremely stressful right now. from the time i started doing it till now, my attempt to figure out the part which i have been stuck on for i dont know how many weeks, failed. again! this is really driving me insane. and that super HELPFUL supervisor expects us to finish the codings by this coming 5 dec. i dont know how is that possible. for all i noe my fellow team mates and i are all struggling like mad to finish up what we are supposed to. i dont like you, PHP.

right now i just feel like throwing things or cry so hard or scream or punch anyone or just do anything to release this pent up emotions. arrggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am going mad.

ya Allah give me the strength to overcome this. i really need the strength.

4:29 AM

i need a break.

10:51 PM

Had a date with the dearest mama just now. and with sister too. Over lunch, had a good talk with them. They never fail to paint alot of smiles on my face. Especially during this stressful period, to be around them is all i need to take my stress away.

Oh there's this one part that i like the most during our conversations just now.
me: ma, iqah mrajok ngan kwn iqah.
mama: eh? knape?
me: diorang bully iqah.
mama: sape kwn kau tu? bilang mama. biar mama jetus kepale dorg.
me: giggling
sister: aah ma, dorg bully kakak terok.
me: aah, dorg jahat.
sister: kakak nangis tau ma. semalam kakak balek, kakak nangis kat bilik.
mama: eh? kakak nangis? nak buat ape nangis? tak gune nak nangis utk kawan mcm tu.

ok and the rest i can't really remember. the nangis part tu not really true eh. hehe.
that small part of conversation alone has already make my day. what more if have a super duper long conversation with them. :)

i love them alot la.
30 nov, pls go far far away. dont come and make me :( .

11:10 PM

this blog hasnt had a proper update for quite a some time already. im either lazy or too busy to be involved in this blogging world.

right now im in esplanade library, trying to do some fyp stuffs on my part. from the time i started doing fyp ( which was at 10am, @ national lib) up till now, the output im able to produce is not that much, which is very disappointing as i have targeted to complete quite alot today. but due to my not so good health condition, i cannot be productive today. my health hasn't been good for these past few days. this is worrying me. but i still refuse to go for a checkup. i just simply don't like myself to be anywhere near the doctor. i think the doctors dont want me to be near them either.lol.
the feeling to be sick is horrible. i think my immune system is weak, really weak.

ok i'll have a real proper update in my next entry. which will be on..... ???????

haha ok byebye.

4:12 PM

A lot of things have been sitting in my mind lately. But I simply don’t know how to put them in words. Nvm, whatever words I can use to form sentences which make sense I’ll just type it down. BUT I’ll filter out those which I think are quite sensitive to be displayed here. Maybe the sensitive ones I’ll put it in my other blog. And that depends on my mood. :)

So far, school’s been quite ok for me now. I am able to handle everything quite well. I’ve been attending classes religiously this semester. I can say that I’ve been doing good this semester compared to the previous ones. And most importantly I don’t skip classes anymore like nobody’s business. At least if I did now, it’s with valid reasons. I’d like to thank someone, who somehow in a way or another, has been a motivator for me to keep going on to school everyday. In what way, I shall not say it here. :)

I think some of you may know that after I graduate from rp, I very much would like to pursue my studies in NIE. Yes, I aspire to be a teacher. Teaching is actually my 2^nd dream career. My 1^st dream career is actually to be a nurse ( my closed ones know how much I love to be one. Hehe.). But with some reasons I can’t be. So, lucky I have a backup career which I can be in future. However, I’m doubtful that I can achieve to be a teacher in future. Reason: My mom actually secretly hope that I’ll start working straight away as soon as I graduate from rp. One reason why - when I started working and have my own income, it’ll lessen my parents’ burden in having to support all the costs for schooling. This includes my daily expenses, bus fare, school fees and all. When I think about it, well I can understand my mom’s wish. My parents are ageing and they are no longer as active and energetic as they used to be. And if I were to further my studies in NIE, it will take some time before I can start earning my own income to support my parents. But again, if I were to take up another few more years to study, the time I invested will be for a long term investment. I’m still unsure of what I’m going to do after graduate. I definitely need to get information about studying in NIE.

Lately, I have been thinking about something. Something which every one of us is scared to go through. Ever since that day when one of my relatives met with an accident and couldn’t manage to pull through, I’ve been thinking how will it be if my time is up too.. and when will that time be.. it’s scary to think about this but I cant help it, every night I have difficulties sleeping as I’m afraid I won’t wake up the next day. That’s my biggest fear for now. And what more, to add on to the fear, another thing that worries me is that, will I be able to notice the signs which will be an indication that my time is up soon. Cause the signs that my relative had shown a few weeks before he’s gone is not obvious at all. His family members started to realize it only when he’s no longer in this world. Im not going to disclose what the signs are. Not for any random people to know.

Well I think I’ve poured almost everything out already. I know this post is super duper long. Ok la tts all for now.

Tata.

1:16 AM

It was the darling's birthday yesterday. So, i'd like to take this golden opportunity to wish her a Happy Two-0 Birthday!! hehe. Wah you da two-zero eh. Now da tee, no more teen. Da big girl my nyonya friend ni eh. Suddenly i feel soooo young. haha!

Aniway, it was good that your ibu organized the celebration at your house yesterday. So sorry my dear if i keep hiding myself in your room with hidayah. You know la, we were both shy to mingle around with your relatives. heh. Whatever it is, I know we all had fun yesterday, especially for you where all your loved ones were present to celebrate your birthday with you.
Kesian dia eh, shock banget eh. haha. Nvm, i'll tell your ibu next time do it again. hehee.

To my dear azizah,
Thank you so much for being such a wonderful friend to me all this while. Like i've said, apart from my family, i've never met anyone in my entire life who understands me as much as you do. Your existence in my life is really a blessing for me. Thank you many2 for everything syg. I'll always remember you in my prayers. I wish you all the best in everything you do. May your life's blessed with happiness. :)
Remember what i said eh, you must never forget to syg me always. If not, tk nak fren you. heh =P. Promise eh. :)
Alright, happy2 slalu ok nyonya. I know you've been feeling2 happy for these few months kan? heh. paham2 je la.
Oh, lets have a proper date again on one of these days eh.

p/s: I'm so proud of you for making that decision. I hope it stays that way ok. InsyaAllah. ;)

sorry eh, i steal this pic from your blog. hehe.

Once again, HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY SYG!!!

9:02 PM

Why must things go this way? Am I to blame for all the things that happen right now? Am I the one at fault for the mess? I know I haven’t been a good friend to you for the past 1 or 2 years or so. I have not been treating you well & I think ya, it’s right for you to be angry at me. Yes, I have to admit that somehow I deliberately ignored you all these while. i’m sorry I lied to you. I didn’t want to hurt you cause I know I’ve hurt you a lot. That’s the reason why I did this; it’s for own good. You’ve got the hint. I don’t want to get too close to you as I’m afraid I might be giving you a wrong signal, hence at the same time giving you false hopes. I don’t have the intention at all to break our almost 4 years of friendship. I really don’t. Truthfully, I really do treasure our friendship but I can’t help it, I couldn’t bring myself to be close to you. You don’t understand, it wasn’t easy for me then. I got pressurized by the way you treated me; you were too persistent. I didn’t feel right, I needed my own space. When I was on my own, there were a couple of times I tried to develop that kind of feelings for you. I couldn’t do that, my friend. It was really hard for me, having to force myself to do something which I can’t. It has to come naturally.

It was good to hear from you again yesterday. I’m glad that I saw you yesterday. It’s been so long since the last time we met. I thought when we started to contact again yesterday, it’ll stay that way. Do you know that it took me a lot of courage to send you a simple msg yesterday, telling you that I saw you? I was afraid that you might not want to bother about me anymore. But what a shame. Why does it have to end the way it ended yesterday?? Why?? I guess your interpretation of what I told you is not the same with the message I was trying to convey. There are things which I wanted to tell you. A lot of things happened which I wanted to share with you. I think that’s not going to happen now.

I would really want to amend things between us. I’m longing for us to be close friends like before, putting aside any kind of personal matters/issues related to us. I realized that these personal things have been the barrier for us to keep the friendship alive. :(

Am i to be blamed totally????? Forgive me friend….

12:38 AM